


A list

by Imapuddle



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Mental Breakdown, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26653030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imapuddle/pseuds/Imapuddle
Summary: Logan asks for help
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	A list

Emotions. Meaningless chemical reactions. That’s all they are, it’s illogical to dwell on them for long but when they are persistent I have no choice but to identify them.

Emotions are not something you can easily escribe without having felt before. so I do what I do in the few moments when I’m confused, make a list.

Feeling uncomfortable in my skin.  
A general feeling of emptiness.

I can’t think of anything else to list without getting poetic and if I’m going to show this to people I can’t do that.

I stand up and wave my hand in a vaguely upward motion to summon Roman.

“Part of your woo- oh, hi Harvard.”

I hand him the list.  
“What does this mean.”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“It’s a list of what I am currently experiencing. You deal with emotions so tell me, what does it mean.”

“These are more symptoms than just emotions, I deal with love and crushes and those lovely butterflies you claim never to have.”

“So what do I do?”

“Try Janus, he’s the self care nut.”

With remarkably little hesitation I say. “I will. Thank you Roman”

This time I walk to the other side’s room, I do not want to intrude.  
I knock sharply on the door and hear what sounds like a mix between a squirrel and a chainsaw, followed by a crash very close towhere I’m standing. I step back, and I wise choice that is. Remus opens the door extremely fast.

“Oh hey teach!!! Janus, Mr suit and tie is here to see you!!”

There’s a response that I don’t hear clearly and Remus pats me on the head then jumps, lands on the ceiling and runs.

“Hello?” I say as I step into the room and close the door behind me.

“Greetings Logan, what brings you here?” The snake themed side said from his comfortable looking chair.  
I walk over briskly and hand him the list

“And this is-?”

“What is this emotion.”

“Does this happen to be one that you are feeling?”

“That is unimportant.”

“It’s very Important because I want to know if I could add any additional items to the list.”

“It is.”

Janus lets out a small laugh. “Sorry- I thought you were the unfeeling one but I digress. How long have you been feeling this?”

“9 months and 14 days.”

“And you didn’t think to say anything?” He says getting a pencil from a black mug and starting to add to the list.

“No. I assumed it wouldn’t prosist.”

Janus held up the paper to reveal his additions 

waves of loneliness   
Attachment to specific objects  
Trouble sleeping 

“Does that reflect your experience?”  
I just stand there, looking at the paper. He hands it back to me and opens the door.  
“Go talk to Patton.”

And for some reason, I don’t. For 23 more days I sit in the feeling as it gets more and more intense each day. I make a list of options.

do nothing   
Attempt to find a cure  
Talk to Patton   
I look at the last one, I cross it out.

Soon my walls are covered in papers all listing different options and talk to Patton is crossed out exactly 137 times.

Patton’s POV bc I’m lazy

I’m humming along to “You've got a friend in me” as I make rounds through the others rooms as I do weekly, just to make sure everyone is ok.

Roman is painting his room again  
Virgil is asleep under a mountain of blankets   
Janus is playing ace attorney.  
Remus is… Remus ing..  
My last stop is Logan 

I approach his door and give it a swift knock, no answer.. I check my watch, 7:16, well he’s not asleep.  
I knock again and say.  
“Logan? Are you there?”  
Still no answer.  
“Logan? I’m gonna come in now.”

As I open the door I gasp.  
Papers are everywhere, on the desk, the walls, the floor, the bed, and even the ceiling somehow.  
I frantically scan the room for Logan, I don’t see him but then my eyes land on the closet and I rush over to open it.

And there, on the floor, is a disheveled man with his glasses askew and a tie barely around his neck.  
I drop down to my knees.  
“Logan!! What happened??!”  
He’s perfectly still but now I can see he’s holding a crumpled sheet of paper.  
“Logan? Can I see that?”

He sticks his hand out briefly revealing his face, he’s crying, I didn’t expect any different but it’s quite a site to see.

1)Feeling uncomfortable in my skin.  
2)A general feeling of emptiness.   
3)waves of loneliness   
4)Attachment to specific objects  
5)Trouble sleeping

I recognize it all too well.

“Logan. You need a hug.”

He stands up abruptly and presses himself to the back of the closet with a wild look in his eyes and his glasses barely holding on.

“Hey, no, it’s ok.” I stand up too and adjust his glasses. “I’m right here, you’re ok.”

I take his hands and I see the tension in his shoulders melt like ice cream in a desert.  
I lead him out of the closet so we have a bit more space and give him a big dad hug.  
I hear a sharp inhale and then feel his arms wrap so tightly around me that it almost hurts but I don’t care.

We stand there for about 5 minutes until Logan pushes me to an arms length away. His eyes are red and puffy and his hair is everything.  
He opens his mouth but I cut him off.  
“Were you about to apologize?”

“Yes..”

“You don’t need to, silly, I always have a hug ready!”

I go over to the bed and push most of the papers off now seeing that most of them have “tell Patton” crossed out. Logan hasn’t moved so I guide him to the bed.

“How long has this been happening?”

“10 months and 8 days.”

“Oh I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me..”

“No-no. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“That may be so but I’m here now so is there anything that you need?”

“Can..” his face turns a dark pink and he looks a bit sheepish “can you tuck me in?”

“Oh! of course!”

He gets up from the bed so I can arrange the sheets and move the last few papers. He lays back down and I put the sheets over him in a snug manner.

“Please don’t leave-”

“Don’t worry, I won’t” I quietly summon a chair and sit by the bed. I take one of his hands and use the other one to start dispelling the rest of the paper. And I just sit there, he looks so peaceful, I don’t want to leave in case that wakes him up so I just summon another bed at a similar height so I can get some sleep.  
Sometimes I’m glad we’re not real people 

Logan POV bc why not

My head hurts. Is my first thought as I regain consciousness, I do a quick rundown of my body to make sure nothing else is wrong.  
Neck: fine.  
Shoulders: fine.  
Chest: fine.  
Legs: fine.  
Arms: fine.  
Hands: on Patton’s.

My eyes shoot open and there he is, on another bed that I’m sure wasn’t there before. I try to recall what happened.

I cried

Are the only words that come to mind and I never want to move again, I want the others to assume I’m dead so I can retreat to the subconscious and continue doing my job so no one else knows this happened.

I take away one of my hands so I can check my heart rate and the other side moves, I assume in his sleep. A steady 160, that was sarcasm. 

I decide the best thing to do is attempt to sleep again, I do not want to disturb Patton.  
I attempt the “fake it until you make it” approche.

About 15 minutes later a feel Patton shift but I do not open my eyes for some reason.

A couple of seconds pass and then I feel his hand on my head, smoothing my hair back and I stop breathing all together.

I hear a soft woosh as I assume the bed disappears followed by the sound of a chair being placed down. I realize he is fully prepared to sit here for as long as I am “asleep”.

But I still don’t open my eyes, I just put my other hand on top of his.

“Logan?.. are you asleep?”

“No.” I respond with my eyes still closed.

“Well that’s good, if you where I wouldn’t do this!”

“Wouldn't do whh-“ before I can finish my sentence I’m being scooped out of bed and into a hug. I don’t resist but I don’t know why.

“Do you remember what happened last night?”

“I cried.”

“Well that’s some of it,” Patton chuckles “that list you were holding, that was just what being touch starved feels like!”

“Oh-“

“So the cure is hugs!”

“How many?”

“Being touch starved isn’t a fix it and move on problem, you just have to keep it at bay. So if that feeling ever comes back you can just ask me for a hug!”

“Ok-“

And every few months or so, I do. But only out of necessity, the night I had a breakdown Remus almost convinced Thomas that being a real Cruella de Vil would be fun.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sorry and I need a hug


End file.
